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giant train

I became aware my marriage was dying about 18 months ago.  I want to tell anyone who may be unsettled by it ending after 26 years, “let not your hearts be troubled” or as they say in hunger games, don’t let this death get you down, but make it a reason to keep fighting, and if you prevail our deaths will not be in vain.

In these 18 months I have wondered if I could hang in there for the kids.  I’ve wondered if there won’t be loneliness I’ve not anticipated.  With all the talk of privilege I’ve appreciated what it means to be married, and to still be in a first marriage.  My maid of honor from 1992 has told me “Divorce doesn’t get rid of your problems, but exchanges them for different ones.”

I took a family law course while at community college and the professor would say people have to be rational and not base their decisions on anger.  I would say “if you aren’t angry, why are you getting divorced?”  (I mean, adults get angry and then they get over it, hopefully).

I’ve been fighting with myself about the church in this final transition.  And in the end, I feel like I have chosen the truth, which is within the church.  I am a child of god.  My planned ex is also a child of God.  Our 5 children are blessings.

If you’ve seen the “How it Should have ended” about Moana (or lord of the Rings) it’s apparent that some deus ex machine should have prevented anything bad (interesting) from ever happening.  I think of it as why Mormons do geneology, if we believe God already knows everything.  It’s not for His benefit but for ours.  Not that I, you know, do geneology.  But some of my friends are way into it.

People always hold back from saying why, and I know how annoying that is, so I am going to share the explanation I gave my 14 year old (who has autism), which is that my husband consistently resisted going to assigned volunteer cleanup duty at the church.  (1 hour on Saturday every few months).  It’s illustrative of deep issues, or maybe it means I’m too judgmental.

P.S.  The above picture is because there is a video of Beyonce dancing to the thomas the train theme.

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